Posted on November 23, 2012 by

The Charlie Day Chronicles (Part 1)

So yesterday morning my sister-in-law took off on a much needed weekend away and I volunteered both my time and my olfactory senses to babysitting my niece. Before I start writing about how the day goes I should make it pretty clear that my niece is a pretty easy baby to take care of. In fact, I’ve only seen her actually cry or get upset one or two times, so this *should* be a piece of cake.

8:30am – There is a kids show on TV which appears to be designed to limit a childs intelligence and keep them subdued. Charlie couldn’t care less and instead she is roaring at me like a dinosaur, pulling on my cheeks and making baby farts which put me into panic mode that my first shitty nappy has arrived.

8:31am – She is bored of roaring at me and now wants to go outside. We agree to check the mail which requires me to put shoes on her and let her walk up the driveway herself. Roaring continues somewhat along with turning towards the dog and waiving goodbye. Not sure she realises how short the driveway is.

8:46am – Back inside and I am making coffee. She is standing on the bench next to me and eating grapes. This is the kind of stuff guys do with kids that gets them in trouble with women. But since the coffee got made and heads stayed in tact I consider it a victory for men everywhere.

8:51am – I have coffee and Charlie is helping me with laundry. I am giving her stuff and asking her to put it places, which she complies with. While we’re having fun and she giggles every time she puts a pillow case in the hamper I can’t help but feel like I am training her like a Golden Retreiver.

9:08am – I’ve been drinking coffee for a while now and Charlie has been running from room to room picking up whatever she can. She grumbles a little bit and it’s obvious that I am about to change my first nappy. “Please no dookie,” I think to myself as I reveal little more than a wet nappy and get her changed and ready for her nap time.

9:43am – It’s nap time now. Charlie is slightly grumpy and sulky so I give her water and put her in the cot. She falls asleep within minutes and I take the time to have a shower and take care of some stuff around the house.

11:04am – Charlie has been asleep for over an hour and I’ve done all the housework I wanted to do. Now tempted to wake her up, but I have a gut feeling that every minute more she sleeps is another poop free minute.

11:51am – Charlie wakes up with a deuce that could drop a bear. Finds it hilarious as I gag while changing my first nappy with a twosie in it.

12:05pm – Lunch time. Charlie says I need to keep my hands off the spoon and I watch her feed herself spaghetti and some kind of tasteless fruit salad puree. Somehow even with this lunch presenting itself I find a way to eat something even more boring.

1:04pm – She’s full of spaghetti, fruit salad and grapes and intent on wrecking the joint. I decide to put her in her high chair and put on a concert for her. Guitar is out and if anyone saw me I’d be locked away.

1:23pm – Concert is over and Charlie is a little grumpy and tripping over her own feet. We play outside on the grass for a bit and get a tiny bit of sun before we watch some cricket together.

1:56pm – Second nap. Charlie is a wreck and just drooled on my face and then laughed at me. Not sure if she is being cute now or just mean spirited. She’s off for a nap and I am going to play some video games.

1:59pm – I fall asleep on the couch. Not much to tell although had a weird dream about insects.

3:23pm – I wake up to Charlie shouting out for attention but not crying. She’s laughing at me again and my self esteem is dipping by the minute. We watch some more cricket and the home stretch is over.

Lessons learned: Every kid has a “thing” – Charlies thing seems to be stuffing her fist in my mouth and laughing at me when I wretch at the smells she makes. Also, bribery is great, kids totally behave more when they have food in their mouth, thank god Charlie can be bribed with grapes and blueberries.

Part 2 tomorrow.